If time would stand still…

My darling angel,

I’ve prayed for many things in the last nineteen months. Most often, I pray for your health, your happiness, and that I’m getting this mommy thing somewhere close to right. I realized today that beyond that, I’ve prayed for one other thing more times than I can count. I’ve prayed for time to stop – just to freeze forever in a moment that is nothing less than perfection. Sometimes with tears in my eyes, my heart has cried out, “Just stop. Let’s just stay right here forever. This is perfection.” But, no matter how honest and heartfelt they are, my prayers go unanswered.

Today, I saw why.

If time had stood still when you were just a few days old and looked into my eyes, I wouldn’t have seen that first, precious smile.

If life had frozen when I squeezed your chubby little thighs when you were six months old, I never would have seen you squeal with delight as you crawled across the floor to your daddy.

If my prayer had been answered as you fell into my arms after taking your first steps, I never would have chased that bare bottom around the house after bath time (maybe you have to be a mom to get that one and not think it’s just weird!)

If time had stood still when you grabbed my neck in a “big squeeze” and planted a big slobbery kiss on my cheek, I would have missed hearing you say, “Da du,” (I love you.) today.

So, I’ll stop praying that prayer. I’ll stop wishing against what I know is inevitable. After all, in his infinite wisdom, Garth Brooks once told us that “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” (That was for you Court!)

Because if by some miracle, God froze time for me right now, then I’d never see you beaming with pride as you hold your first A+ on a Spelling test.

If we stop here, I’ll never see you fight against the injustices of this world that burden your soul and resonate with you at your very core.

If we wait in this moment, I won’t be priveleged to say, “That’s my baby,” as you change the face of this earth as we know it.

And I won’t get to look down on you from Heaven when you are an old woman and be ever so proud of the life you have lived as only you could.

I won’t pray for time to stop anymore, but some day if you choose to be a mommy, you’ll realize that not asking for time to stand still takes every bit of strenght I have and not asking for time to slow down just a little….well, that’s virtually impossible for a mother’s heart.

All my love,

Mommy